Should I charge my child rent?

“Should I charge my child rent?” is a question I often get asked by the parents of 20- and 30-somethings. My answer is the very frustrating: “It depends.”

The question isn’t really, “Should I charge my child rent?” The correct inquiry is:

There are legitimate reasons why an adult child lives at home. The most common is the nationwide shortage — and resulting higher prices — of housing, putting it out of reach of young people, even if they work a full-time job.

And there are young adults who don’t feel quite ready to go out on their own. There is nothing wrong with living at home while you develop the skills and resources to live independently. The problem is when living at home allows a young adult to avoid developing those skills.

How can you tell the difference?

One easy way to tell is to ask the question: does your child have a concrete plan, and are they implementing it?

A student who is working and going to school full time with the goal of getting a more lucrative job and moving out when they graduate has a plan. In that case, a young adult can be:

• living at home
• not paying rent
• going to school
• working
• building toward a career

…and be doing exactly what they should be doing.

Conversely, someone can have a job and still be completely stalled.

A young person who is unemployed, or even underemployed, and spends most of their free time playing video games with no end game on the radar probably needs some emotional, physical, and/or practical skills to live independently.

In the former case, you may or may not charge rent, but it isn’t necessarily going to teach your child skills they don’t already have. In the latter, charging rent might be part of an overall effort to teach your child the skills they need so they can move forward with their life.

Things rent should NOT be are:

• punishment for not moving out
• a way to make home uncomfortable
• leverage to force a child to get a job
• an expression of parental frustration.

Instead, it should be part of a process to teach your child how to function independently.

It all starts with a conversation and a contract

If you’ve watched my social media or read either of my guides, you will know that I think you should start the conversation with an apology: “I’m sorry that the world has changed, and kids no longer automatically learn the skills they need to navigate the adult world. And perhaps we’ve sometimes made things easier for you when we should have trusted you to handle them yourself.”

The second thing you need to say is that you are now committed to teaching your child those skills.

In this conversation, you should do more listening than talking. You have to bury any judgement or defensiveness you may have about what your child says and does and just listen to how they feel and what they need. This can be tougher than you think, if your child has been disappointing you or your child is angry. Instead, you should be encouraged, because now you know the problem and, for the first time, you are going to work together to solve it.

Once you and your child have had a discussion, you need to make an agreement — write a contract, if you will — that spells out what your child has to learn, how you are going to teach them, and what each of your end of the bargain is. There should be a timeline, with deadlines. There should be consequences — not punishment — if either end doesn’t fulfill the contract. To that end, the contract should be reasonable, realistic, and achievable, starting with small steps and building gradually from there.

The contract should also spell out what your child is working toward, what they are responsible for, what you will provide, and when you’ll revisit the plan. It should also cover logistics (use of shared spaces, transportation, etc.) and behavior of both parties.

One important thing to remember: this contract is a plan for your child’s hopes and dreams for their future, not yours. If your child has a reasonable plan for achieving their goals, then you have to respect that, even if their goals don’t align with your plans for them. If you want your child to be an engineer but they’d rather fix bicycles and have a plan for doing that, then they should fix bicycles and figure out if/how they can support the lifestyle they want with that career.

One thing that might come out is your child’s fears and/or anxieties might feel like more than just needing some skills. If you get that sense, either during the initial conversation or during the process, then your family might need professional help. Your child’s doctor is a great place to start if you suspect you need additional support.

Every contract is going to reflect the parties writing it, so there will be differences, but almost all include some basic concepts.

Should my adult child be working or going to school?

If your adult child is living at home, they should generally be doing something that moves them toward greater independence. That might mean working, going to school, learning a trade, actively looking for work, or volunteering while they figure out their next step. The important question isn’t whether they have a particular job or career yet, but whether their days have structure and purpose and their efforts are moving them toward a viable future.

If a 20- or 30-something is healthy, in most situations living at home is a stepping stone to living independently. So the question is, a stepping stone to what? The young person needs to have a plan for what they want to do and taking steps to implement it. It doesn’t have to be for the rest of their life, but it does need to be a viable way of eventually living independently in the medium term.

If they don’t have a clue, then they have to come up with a plan for how they are going to get a clue, including a reasonable deadline (weeks, not months). In the meantime, they need to be doing something:

• working
• going to school
• learning a trade
• actively looking for work
• volunteering.

Their days should have structure and purpose, and their overall schedule should reflect meaningful movement toward independence. That involves a work ethic, as well as time management, eating and sleeping well so they can be effective when awake, and other emotional and practical skills. So don’t let your child work a few hours a week and get the rest of the week off.

Don’t discount the importance of volunteering, if your child has time to fill. Volunteering can provide a flavor for a career path that your child might be considering. Even some formal internships are unpaid. But even if it doesn’t directly relate to a career, volunteering can help you to get out of your own head, something struggling young people have problems doing. It often provides a different perspective on things that can be eye-opening. It develops empathy and that feeling of mission that is so important to young people. And it gets your child out of the house and out in the world, learning essential skills.

Whatever they do, their schedule has to move the young person towards independence.

One important thing to remember is that goals have to be something within the young person’s control. So the contract can’t say, “get a job by such-and-such date.” Instead, it should specify things such as how many applications or networking contacts your child makes per week. The contract should focus on process, not outcomes.If this doesn’t net your child a job by the deadline set in the contract, then your child will have to change their approach to some other achievable objective.

Should my adult child contribute to the household?

Yes. Everyone who lives in a household contributes, although that contribution doesn’t have to be rent.

No matter what your decision is concerning rent, your contract should also include other ways your child can contribute to the family and the household, financially and otherwise. Here are some examples:

• paying some amount toward household expenses
• buying groceries
• cooking
• cleaning
• doing laundry
• maintaining the yard
• helping with pets
• handling their own appointments and responsibilities
• contributing to family life.

Rent is only one piece of learning how to be an adult.

Additionally, struggling young adults often feel left behind by their family and isolated. For many, not being asked to do chores as a child makes them feel cut off from their family as young adults. Giving them chores now makes them feel more connected to the family — the first step towards feeling part of something bigger than themselves, which is so important to having a happy life. We call stress “the great isolator.” Feeling connected goes a long way toward relieving the stress, anxiety, and depression that often dog struggling young adults.

Additionally, many young adults who stay at home don’t know how to take care of themselves practically — they don’t know how to cook, clean, shop, or manage a household. Find out what they don’t know and then assign them tasks that will teach them those skills. Make teaching them those skills fun and turn your phones off so you can have real conversations while you teach them.

Am I enabling my adult child by letting them live rent-free?

Not necessarily. If your adult child is working toward independence and temporarily needs financial support while going to school, building a career, or pursuing another reasonable plan, living rent-free may be helping them move forward. But if you are removing financial responsibilities your child is capable of handling while they remain stuck and make little effort to change their situation, you may be enabling the very situation that is keeping them dependent.

If your child is working towards independence but has a short-term cash flow shortage while they pursue education or otherwise move forward, that is different from a young adult without a plan who is underemployed in a job that wouldn’t support even basic needs were they living independently, and they are spending the rest of their time playing video games. If you as a parent are letting them do the former, you are empowering their plan. If it’s the latter, however, you may be enabling the very situation that is keeping your child stuck.

In this case, you might want to charge rent not as punishment, but as the natural consequences of your child’s decision to get a low-paying job. Experiencing and facing consequences is a key emotional skill. In this case, you might put in the contract that you will start by charging a small rent and then build up to something more substantial over six months so your child has the time to rethink their plan (or lack thereof) and take steps to change. Your child needs to feel the consequences of their decision to not move forward. In fact, your child needs to feel all of the consequences — good and bad — of their choices, so all of your decision-making should include making sure you are not shouldering any consequences for your child. Keep asking yourself:

If you’re also paying for other expenses that your child could reasonably begin assuming — phone, car expenses, entertainment, subscriptions, groceries, etc. — those can gradually become part of the young person’s responsibilities as well.

Finally, if your child never learned the practical skill of doing a household budget, this is a great time to teach them.

How much rent should I charge my adult child?

There is no universal right amount. The appropriate amount depends on your family’s circumstances, your child’s income and capabilities, what they are already contributing, and what you are trying to teach them. The goal isn’t necessarily to charge market-rate rent; it’s to give your young adult an appropriate opportunity to participate in the costs and responsibilities of adult life.

This is a completely individual thing, based on the family’s needs, the young person’s needs, capabilities, and plans, and what else the young person is contributing, financially and otherwise. What I can say is get to your agreed-upon amount gradually, so the young person has a chance to adjust and plan. And you should get to an amount that allows your child to feel like they are participating in the costs and responsibilities of adult life, if you feel like your child needs those skills, but that might not necessarily be the going rate for rent.

Should I charge rent if my adult child is struggling?

Sometimes — but struggling by itself isn’t a reason to charge or not charge rent. It’s about skill development. First ask why your child is struggling and whether what you are providing is helping them develop the skills and resources they need to move forward. If your child is facing circumstances that temporarily make independence difficult, your financial support may be empowering; if you’re protecting them from responsibilities they are capable of handling, that same support may be keeping them stuck.

Some parents say, “They’re already struggling. How can I possibly make them pay rent?”

Don’t let guilt drive your decision. Protecting a young adult from every uncomfortable experience isn’t necessarily kindness.

Sometimes the discomfort of responsibility is exactly what helps someone grow.

This ties in with my concept of “the kiln”, where every young person needs challenge, responsibility, and experience to develop key emotional skills. As I wrote in that post, “…And that is why rescuing a child from every difficult experience can have an unintended consequence. We may make their childhood more comfortable while quietly teaching them that they can’t handle discomfort and we don’t trust them to solve their own problems.”

So yes, your child is struggling. But you need to clearly see why and make the assessment as to whether they are struggling because of challenges no one their age could handle or because they never learned how to handle challenges.

Is charging my adult child rent “tough love”?

It shouldn’t be. Charging rent should not be about making your child uncomfortable, punishing them, or forcing them out of the house. It should be one possible way of helping a young adult experience appropriate responsibility and consequences while knowing that their parents love them, support them, and believe they are capable of becoming independent.

It’s just love. Teaching your child the skills so they can make their way in the world — ideally to make a positive impact on the world — is the essence of loving parenting. If they missed some crucial skills along the way, well, it’s up to you to teach them.

This doesn’t mean that you help your child avoid consequences. And the goal isn’t to make anyone uncomfortable. The goal is to allow appropriate consequences and challenges that build capability. This whole process should be done with empathy and kindness as well as firmness. You can remain emotionally supportive while simultaneously saying:

The ultimate goal: independence, not eviction

The goal of charging rent — or setting any other household expectation — isn’t to get your child out of the house as quickly as possible. The goal is to help your young adult develop the skills, confidence, resilience, and responsibility to eventually manage life on their own. You don’t have to choose between supporting your child and holding them accountable. Your child needs both.

Remember, your goal isn’t:

“How quickly can I get my kid out of my house?”

It’s:

“How can I help my young adult develop the skills, confidence, resilience, and responsibility to eventually manage life on their own?”

Again, you don’t need to choose between supporting your child and holding them accountable. Your child needs both.

Rent is a tool. It isn’t the goal.